Befriending your inner critic

Many of us know that negative voice in our heads - the inner critic. “I am not good enough. I am clumsy. I don’t know how to make good decisions. I cannot lead.” Through our lives, that voice is sometimes louder, almost unbearable, and at other times quieter. How do we quieten this voice, or even make it useful? I know that my life is infinitely more enjoyable when that voice is on mute, and I am far more effective.

For some of us, this takes the form of impostor syndrome, our inner critic explains away our successes and magnifies our shortcomings. We tilt the data and feedback in favour of the critic. I was at a philosophy festival, talking to the keynote speaker, a world-famous neuroscientist and philosopher. As we walked away from the stage after a spellbinding talk, even he said, “I do not belong up there”.

Our critic may begin to take shape at an early age, at home and at school, and be reinforced early in our careers. When we are young and powerless, we have to make sense of who we are and what is going on around us. One way of understanding the critic is as a survival strategy. It is trying to answer the question - “How can I prevent bad things from happening?” It can be a form of control, a way of dealing with uncertainty. If I am afraid of failure, not trying can feel safer.

We may avoid short-term discomfort, but at the cost of longer-term growth. This can also cost us as leaders. We may tend to lead through fear rather than encouragement, with the stick rather than the carrot. As you read the news or go to work, try to spot the leaders with loud inner critics. How might you interact differently with them?

As we move from vulnerable child to resourceful adult, we need to tame this inner critic. Even better, how about creating an inner fan? We hear plenty about the inner critic. Why so little about the inner fan?

It suits our inner critic to stifle the fan, to keep us safe by keeping us in place. Watch what happens next time you give someone a compliment. They may brush it off or even reject it. The inner fan barely gets a chance.

What does your inner critic say most often? How true is it? What exactly is the evidence? Is that evidence recent or outdated? Does it come from a reliable source that you trust and respect? How could you modify this phrase, or even replace it completely?

My inner critic tells me I am not good enough, so I try harder. Instead, I could accept that there are some things I am not good at, let some of these go, and decide which areas I want to improve. My inner fan could also remind me that there are things, such as building trust, that I am good at.

Start with the next compliment. Rather than explaining it away, try saying thank you. Let it count as evidence. You would not dismiss every positive comment about a colleague, so why dismiss every positive comment about yourself?

Then think about how you would speak to someone you care about who had made a mistake. You might be honest about what went wrong, but you would probably also remind them of what they do well and help them work out what to do next. Could you offer yourself the same courtesy?

An inner fan is not there to tell us we are brilliant at everything. It can recognise our limitations without turning them into a verdict on our worth. “That did not go well” leaves room to learn. “I am useless” does not.

For those of us who lead, there is a useful question here - would we want our team to hear the running commentary we give ourselves? Would we expect them to flourish under that kind of management?

Perhaps the aim is not to silence the inner critic altogether. It is to listen, decide what is useful, and make sure the inner fan gets a say too.
 

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